Frenemy … a person with whom one is friendly despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry. Sounds about right. While not quite a person, failure is most definitely a frenemy of mine.
Failure is not something that anyone looks forward to. I’m no exception. At least, I didn’t use to be. I always thought failure crippled me. I thought it showed how incompetent I was so I feared it and hated it at the same time. In fact, most of my life, I have done as much as I could to avoid failure. Overworking myself to perfect every detail. Or staying still so that I didn’t fail. Neither served me well. I either worked myself into burnout and worry, or didn’t progress by staying where I was. Over time, I learned to brace myself for the impact of failure. Each time I failed, I was so disappointed in myself and focused so much on where I messed up at, that I failed to absorb that I was still learning along the way.
It was a former manager of mine who put a whole new meaning to failure for me. She said to me one day, “I love your commitment to failure.” What, I thought to myself. Please don’t let her start. The irritation must have shown on my face because before I could form a rebuttal she said, “I meant that as a compliment!” “Oh. Okay. You like that I fail? You’re going to have to explain that one to me.” I replied.
This is where my life changed. Well, at least my mindset towards failure. “You aren’t afraid to try new things, take risks, even if the end result is that you failed. Your evaluation, awareness, and reflective skills are so great because you’re able to assess where you failed at and learn how to get it right. And when you figure that out, you don’t hesitate to share that so the rest of the team learns from your mistakes. We are learning from you! And I love that you don’t let failure stop you. You keep failing forward.”
Pause. I had to simmer on her words. This was the first time a positive spin had been placed on failure. Fail forward? I’m failing, but learning from and through my failure. And I’m passing that knowledge along to others. Wow, I could get behind that.
Remember how I said I used to avoid failure by being still? I went through a period where if it meant I might fail, I didn’t do it. I didn’t apply for certain jobs, afraid I’d fail and not get it. Or promotions. Or reach out and make new friends. Or enroll in school again. The list could go on. Basically, I stood still. I stayed in the same place for a period of months due to the fear of failure. All I truly did was delay my own growth and stand in my own way, both professionally and personally.
Failure gets a bad rep. When we fail, we see where we didn’t meet a goal or target or achieve what we wanted. But without failure, what is success? Without failure, how could we know for sure we were learning? Without failure, how do we measure that we are trying, or how far we have progressed? Where there is no risk, there is no reward. Or something like that. Yes, failure is my frenemy. While I don’t actively seek out failure, I embrace it. The goal is still to succeed, however, I understand that through my failure comes growth and learning. Failure has made me more confident: to try new things; to speak up more; to take initiative and be proactive. When I learned to use my failures to my advantage, my world changed. Putting myself out there and risking failure allowed me to get promoted, make solid new friendships and connections, negotiate my salary with confidence, and even snag President of a student organization. (Humble brag, y’all.)
I say all this to say that failure is not bad, though it may not feel quite so good at first. Don’t let the fear of failure cause you to stay still. Instead, keep failure close, and use her to your advantage. My challenge to you is to embrace your failures. What can you learn? What have you already learned? How has this helped you? Will you risk failure again? Tweak the approach, but never the goal. Go out, and fail forward.
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