You ever had that feeling like you were on the brink of something? A blessing. A new level. Changing your life. That’s how I felt a few years ago. It didn’t start out that way though. I found myself in a season of distance and loss, first.
When my father died, I felt like I lost my mother as well. Grief is a son of a biscuit. And afterwards, one thing after another started to fade from my life. The final straw for me was the dissolution of a friendship that was about ten years long. I couldn’t take anymore. Why was everything and everyone being taken from me in the most painful ways? And this was the last straw. I found myself crying, “God, why are you taking everything away from me?” I didn’t understand. I had lost many things and people. Some by choice. And others through painful tearing away. Until I found myself alone. And my aloneness made me uncomfortable.
Through this feeling of uncomfortableness I found that what I was truly uncomfortable with was … myself. I struggled with feeling enough. Not feeling smart enough. Not feeling pretty enough. Not feeling good enough. So of course having no one to fill the space I was forced to look myself and my insecurities in the face. Every. Single. Day. I had no one else to turn to, so I turned to God. And I eventually realized that’s what He wanted all along.
“God, can You show me how You see me? Even if its just a fraction. Can You help me feel and be better?” I started including those requests in my daily prayers. DO NOT say those words unless you really want God to do it! God showed me I wasn’t alone, but I was in a fortress of solitude. It was just me and Him. And He had so much to show me, and help me grow through.
Solitude – the state or situation of being alone. At least that’s what the dictionary says. But this was different. I was in a fortress of solitude. One of the definitions of the word fortress stopped me in my tracks: “a person or thing not susceptible to outside influence or disturbance.” God needed my attention and He wanted me not to be distracted or influenced by anyone or anything else. So He took it all away.
Solitude allowed me to focus my energy and my attention, really laser in on what was going on around me and within me. I felt like a butterfly, who was still working itself out if it’s cocoon. It was painful and messy and hard, but I knew being able to fly in the end would be so worth it. Being alone allowed me to self reflect and redefine who I was becoming and where I was headed according to God. And I needed to be ready to put in the work!
Once God showed me where He wanted to take me, I stopped resisting so much. I won’t say I welcomed the solitude, but I understood it. God had big plans for me, and I was scared! But I was determined to be better than who I was, so sticking close to God didn’t sound too bad. And the darndest thing began to happen … I started to grow! God helped me develop a stronger mindset; taught me the value of quality, not quantity, in my support system; and provided me clarity on the purpose He has for me.
Over the years, I’ve learned to tap into my fortress of solitude without God’s doing. And it’s proven useful in checking in with and creating space for myself. I say all of this to say, if you find yourself losing people, places, and things, maybe lean into the process and see what your season of solitude is attempting to show you.
Until next time .. always with love …
Jae