The first time I ever cut my hair, a fire was lit inside of me that continued throughout the years. I was fresh off the boat of a toxic relationship that was sinking fast. And I made the difficult yet brave decision to save myself. A self that I no longer recognized, but was committed to doing right by. As my stylist began to cut my long tresses, I cried silent tears. Not tears of sadness, but of joy and liberation. In a way, I felt rebellious. You see, he liked women with long hair. So I cut mine short. I no longer wanted to appeal to him, or that life, ever again.
Cutting my hair was actually deeper than simply letting go of a bad relationship. I had lost myself. I had prioritized the opinions of others and changed myself so much that I no longer knew who I was. I remember writing in my journal one day:
I was slowly fitting myself
Into a box of expectations
To fit neatly into
The puzzle pieces of his life
So eager to please
So ready to be
Anything and anyone
Except myself
And now I’m lost
Have you seen me?
While cutting my hair did signify severing what had held me back, I was also giving myself permission to reinvent myself. To get to know me again. And as my hair began to grow, so did I. What a journey it was! But that’s a story for another day.
Growing up, my father always told us girls to never cut our hair. It was sacred. I never truly understood it. It’s my hair, I used to think. I can do what I want with it. When I finally did manage to get up the nerve to cut my hair, I was terrified my dad was going to be furious. I was pleasantly surprised when he smiled and told me how nice I looked, instead.
This may have been the first time I cut my hair, but it definitely wouldn’t be the last. Each time I did, I was letting go of what was and allowing something new and better to blossom within myself. I can correlate each of my major hair moments with a transition or period of growth I was growing through. For example, the first time I ever wore weave. I still have the pictures!! Backstory: If my hair wasn’t in a ponytail, it was down in a wrap. That’s it. Predictable. Boring. Compliant. Safe. A way for me to not really stick out or anything (Something I learned to do growing up because I was bullied). And I have always been a quiet person. For some reason, my quiet nature gave others the impression I was weak so I have been tried a lot over the years, especially professionally.
Now let’s be real for a moment. We all have different personalities inside and outside of work. I hid much of my personality. I came to work, did my job, went home. And I was damned good at what I was doing. Yet I was being micromanaged and questioned daily. I was also doing the very thing I said I would never do: biting my tongue. I remember calling my hairstylist and letting her know it was time for something new. That following week I walked into work with a crochet hairstyle that put a pep in my step and a smile on my face. When my manager approached me later that morning to micromanage what I was doing, I had several things to say. “Bianca (not her real name), I make a to-do list every morning on what I will be doing and when. I also keep an updated white board of all my progress. These are in plain sight so there should be no need for questions of what my plan is for the day or what progress I’ve made. I know where you are if I need help. But thank you.” Oop! Bianca remarked on how cute and “sassy” my hair was as she bounced on to the next person. And the rest, as they say, was history. I never looked back.
I know what you’re thinking. Why would I need to change my hair just to change myself? Actually, it was the opposite. I made an internal decision to change and grow and transform. My hair simply reflected this. And while they may be seemingly small to others, these were definitely big wins for me. The first time I cut my hair I was giving myself permission to become the person I wanted to be, to let the past go and to start over. Wearing weave allowed me to be bold and get out of my comfort zone, something I had never really done up until that point. I stopped playing small and hiding myself and my abilities as well. And while outside factors contributed to this growth within myself, I did it all with myself in mind. Negative self-talk is real, and within my journey, I turned my voice into a positive one.
My current hair journey is a doozy. All natural. And to date, this is my hardest journey yet. For me, it’s about authenticity. Being me, flaws and all, and embracing that. No masks. Giving myself the permission to be human, and everything that comes with it, and still seeing the beauty in it. Especially seeing the beauty in the transition. Transitions can be really messy. When you’re going through a transition, it can be hard to see how things will turn out for the better. But then, you get to the other side, and wonder how you ever doubted the transition. That’s where I’m at currently, in both my natural hair journey and in my life. But I’m finally ready to let go of the last of the “relaxed” version of myself, get out of my comfort zone, and grow through this transition. I can’t wait to see what is on the other side.
What journeys have you been through with your hair?
Thank you for reading! Please like, comment, and share! Until next time . . .