The Season Of Selfishness

Hello! Happy Sunday Fun Day! I know this post has been long awaited, and I apologize that it’s taken me so long to get to. Just what have I been up to for the past two months or so? It’s been an experience that’s for sure! If you’ve read my last blogs, you already know I turned thirty recently … and had a midlife crisis! I laugh with you as I write this BUT it really happened! I felt like I had nothing to show for my thirty years of being on this Earth. When I really thought about it, I was putting so much pressure on myself to fulfill what society says I should have by age thirty, instead of asking myself what I truly wanted for myself. What started out as a thirty day self-love challenge turned into a season of selfishness for me. After years and years of putting the needs of others before my own, I decided it was time for a change. I was going to put myself first.

So what did being selfish look like in my life? Doing what felt right to me, for me. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and tried my best not to feel guilty about it. If I wanted to sleep five extra minutes, I did that. Breakfast for dinner? Done. Dance around my living room at 11:32 pm blasting Sorry Not Sorry by Demi Lovato? Hell yes! I traded in eating healthy for meals that excited me. I skipped yoga workouts. I enjoyed movie nights with my daughter, instead of stressing over homework deadlines. I slept in until noon on a Saturday. I enjoyed a forty-five minute bubble bath while my child whined outside of the bathroom door because she couldn’t get in to interrupt me. Yaaaasssss!

It wasn’t all fun and games though. I walked outside of my comfort zone, and did things that required me to actually use my voice in very direct ways. It’s one thing to ask myself what I wanted internally, but to voice that to others externally was another level. It meant facing the consequences, whether good or bad. What would happen with my work connections, friendships, or even relationships? But at this point, I felt what did I have to lose? If putting the needs of others before myself hadn’t gotten me very far, then what could it hurt to let others know how I felt or what I wanted? It was worth a try.

I started voicing my opinion more at work, with mixed results. A heated exchange with my manager resulted in hurt feelings, as well as tears, but a better understanding that have left both of us on the same page. I was scared as hell that I was going to lose my job, but it was worth it in the end to stand up for myself at any cost.

I decided to start going for broke with my friends. I would speak first, call first, text first, or seek them out. I answered honestly when asked how I was doing. And I reached out for help when I needed it. That’s what friends are for, right? I cut off a toxic family member. Loving them from a distance is best I finally realized. I went on dates and met amazing people, but didn’t hesitate to say I wasn’t interested if I truly wasn’t. I even bit up the nerve to get some closure from a guy I recently dated. Who was this lady doing all these seemingly small but actually significant things?? Me, yep, it was me! Hey girl hey!

It was a challenge at first re-wiring my brain to understand that it was okay to put myself first. That I had permission to ask myself what I wanted. It was foreign to me, and I had my moments of uncertainty. After about two weeks, I started to notice a difference. I felt lighter, freer. I wasn’t clock watching. But I still managed to get where I needed to go on time. I didn’t stress about turning homework in late. I took my time to make sure I was turning in quality work. I stopped worrying about metrics at work, and still exceeded my goal somehow. I started voicing how I felt, what I liked or didn’t like, suggestions, etc. without nitpicking or obsessing over the outcomes.

I felt myself being intentional about my environment or my thoughts or even conversations I engaged in. The most important thing I realized was how much happier I have felt. And that happiness has trickled over into other areas of my life. I have been more confident at work. I’m not worried about being a perfect mom. I don’t stress over homework anymore. I am more focused on things I want to do, not just things I have to do. Overall, I feel myself listening to MY voice above all others, and it’s made all the difference. I don’t see this changing anytime soon as I continue to grow and transform into the best version of myself.

Poetic Jae Piece of the Day: Sometimes you need to be selfish. With your time. With your words. With your presence. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself what you want or what you need. You are entitled to seasons of “I don’t have it,” “I’m not going to be there” “I don’t wanna,” “No”, and any other phrases that will preserve your peace, sanity, and happiness.

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